Five Films To See Before You Die Pt3

Bringing up the bile is Nature’s way of clearing the ole shout-box, and is a practice embraced by the youthful drinkers each Friday night all up my front door.

But damp letters and odd-tasting milk are a-nothing providing life throws a lamp-post or gutter or half brick in a sock from the shadows upside the face their way once in a while.

So before the Police come knocking about the half-brick they found bearing the other half of my house number in white gloss down the alley by my house, and the plumber gets round to picking up his phone so I can figure out how to unblock the bog of whatever it was that was in the large brown envelope I took in for my neighbour that sent my cat screaming round the house for hours after he sniffed an open corner, I’m reminded of how these two seemingly different things (justice being dealt out to bad-guys from the cover of darkness and strange things a-happening in the sewers) are linked by one film…


Number 4:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


Men in suits and puppet rats standing alongside the great Elias Koteas in a role some may deem Fate’s true intent for his life had acting not offered less chances of getting stabbed by a man wearing tea strainers over his eyes, the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film stands out amongst others based on comic book characters.

Tin-Tin..? Oh, fuck yes..!
Tin-Tin..? Oh, fuck yes..!

Like video-games the industry’s approach to licenses of fanciful men and women-folk of imagination has been a cash-grab of sorts, the canon of a character often ms-represented or simply ignored as script writers attempt to cram eight hundred back issues worth of life story and lessons learned into an hour and a half’s bum-number.


Go on; milk those incredibly tight pectoral nipples... MILK THEM!!!
Go on; milk those incredibly tight pectoral nipples… MILK THEM!!!

Superman, Batman, and especially The Incredible Hulk have each started strong but suffered from poor re-boots. Similarly, recent talk of a TMNT re-boot caused so much bile and backlash against the director Jonathan Liebesman and his propositions of essentially re-writing the birth of the amphibian four to the point of the studio announcing its cancellation and apologies all round. everyone's obvious disappointment.
…to everyone’s obvious disappointment.

Four grown men bouncing around in a half hundred weight of foam and wires is about as far removed from Avatar as you could think; but the immersion it creates through staying in the realm of the reality written about in the Turtle comics instead of trying to fit a giant mechanical spider into the script leaves you seeing what was wrong with the TMNT CGI release of 2007.

From actors clearly reveling in parts as seriously as clown shoes the comic book feel maintains its hedonistic representation of Eastman and Lairds classic.

Well...there go my happy childhood memories...
Well…there go my happy childhood memories…

A sliding scale of disappointment followed with two sequels, and perhaps the best releases since have been the cartoon series – an obvious outlet, and one that has seen it continue to flourish and grow alongside those who were taken into their world of sewers and Shredder in the eighties, who themselves have willing bought their own offspring into a world where a rat can train four turtles in one of the deadliest forms of martial arts in the world to do battle with pajama fetishists and disembodied brains.

'Look...I only asked if it was you who farted...'
‘Look…I only asked if it was you who farted…’

Don’t have a cow; have a ‘COWABUNGA!’


Five Films To See Before You Die Pt2 –

Five Films To See Before You Die Pt 1 –

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